I Have Not Been the Same Since Becoming A Mother

This is what I know:

1. That becoming a mother introduced to to a kind of love so beautiful that I cannot even put it into words.
2. That I have not been the same since becoming a mother - not all good.

In the beginning I thought my life was just adjusting to parenthood.  That everything would, eventually, calm down and go back to normal or at least the new normal (cue laughter for anyone that is or has been a parent).  As time went on I found myself wondering what I was doing wrong, because I was not happy and I had no reason not to be happy. I began spending most of my day watching television (what I did not know then was that I was trying to escape reality).  I did not ignore my baby, I want to be clear on how much I love and care for her.  I simply always had the television on, even if I was in the other room.  It made me feel like I was not alone in the house.  Being alone was when I felt the worst.  It did not help that sleeping has been my daughters biggest struggle.  Meaning, I had not been sleeping well.  Which, always adds stress to any situation and with my autoimmune disorder it just makes things worse.

Things got really interesting when my family and I was left with no other choice but to move in with my parents (selling our house was easy, but finding a new house proved to be difficult).  This situation aloud me to never be alone, which I quite enjoyed.  It made it seem like things were fixing themselves.  Really, I was becoming dependent on having company and creating a distance between my husband and myself. From the beginning I had been ignoring all the signs and would not listen to the little voice inside my head that was screaming. I had convinced myself that everything was fine!  Being fine meant that nothing needed to change. 

 If I am being honest, I felt extremely guilty that being a mother was not enough for me.  I have a beautiful daughter, whom I love... and it should be enough.  I feel like a bad mother saying that it is not.

It was not until we moved into our new house that I could not ignore things any more, even if I wanted to.  I was back to being alone most of the day and with the added distance between my husband and myself... even when I was not alone I felt alone.  At first I would on wonder, to myself, if I was depressed. I did not want to say it out loud, because then it would be real.  It was hard convincing myself that I was depressed. However, it took everything I had to talk to my husband about it (making this post is also making me feel quite vulnerable).

So... Here I am still depressed, but in a better place than I have been in a long time.  I do not know enough about depression to really make any claims.  All I know is that being a mother has changed me and through it all I will be stronger, happier, and a better wife and mother.

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