I Have Not Been the Same Since Becoming A Mother

This is what I know:

1. That becoming a mother introduced to to a kind of love so beautiful that I cannot even put it into words.
2. That I have not been the same since becoming a mother - not all good.

In the beginning I thought my life was just adjusting to parenthood.  That everything would, eventually, calm down and go back to normal or at least the new normal (cue laughter for anyone that is or has been a parent).  As time went on I found myself wondering what I was doing wrong, because I was not happy and I had no reason not to be happy. I began spending most of my day watching television (what I did not know then was that I was trying to escape reality).  I did not ignore my baby, I want to be clear on how much I love and care for her.  I simply always had the television on, even if I was in the other room.  It made me feel like I was not alone in the house.  Being alone was when I felt the worst.  It did not help that sleeping has been my daughters biggest struggle.  Meaning, I had not been sleeping well.  Which, always adds stress to any situation and with my autoimmune disorder it just makes things worse.

Things got really interesting when my family and I was left with no other choice but to move in with my parents (selling our house was easy, but finding a new house proved to be difficult).  This situation aloud me to never be alone, which I quite enjoyed.  It made it seem like things were fixing themselves.  Really, I was becoming dependent on having company and creating a distance between my husband and myself. From the beginning I had been ignoring all the signs and would not listen to the little voice inside my head that was screaming. I had convinced myself that everything was fine!  Being fine meant that nothing needed to change. 

 If I am being honest, I felt extremely guilty that being a mother was not enough for me.  I have a beautiful daughter, whom I love... and it should be enough.  I feel like a bad mother saying that it is not.

It was not until we moved into our new house that I could not ignore things any more, even if I wanted to.  I was back to being alone most of the day and with the added distance between my husband and myself... even when I was not alone I felt alone.  At first I would on wonder, to myself, if I was depressed. I did not want to say it out loud, because then it would be real.  It was hard convincing myself that I was depressed. However, it took everything I had to talk to my husband about it (making this post is also making me feel quite vulnerable).

So... Here I am still depressed, but in a better place than I have been in a long time.  I do not know enough about depression to really make any claims.  All I know is that being a mother has changed me and through it all I will be stronger, happier, and a better wife and mother.

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A Pen Means Nothing Until You Need One!

One sunshiny Monday morning; I was in a rush to get to a team meeting.  It was one I was particularly excited about, because I was the leading the discussion.  I even had a white board!  I thought I was super cool and totally going to impress.  Just as I was about to leave, I had the thought to grab a dry erase marker.  I immediately ignored it, there was going to be one where I was going.

When I arrived, I promptly asked if I could borrow a dry erase marker for the discussion.  YUP, you guessed it... there was no dry erase marker to be found.  Not having what seemed to be a meaningless object, changed the whole dynamic of the meeting.  It was not as productive as it could have been.

I was embarrassed...

The whole meeting I could not help but wish I just grabbed a marker.  It made me even more upset knowing that I had thought to grab one, and simply did not listen!  Why did I ignored it?  There was no reason to, and the thought was so clear in my mind.

From that day I realized I was not really wondering why I ignored the thought, I was wondering why the thought so distinct?  Sure, the marker would have been more helpful, but it honestly did not affect my life.

IT WAS JUST A DUMB PEN!

That is the answer, though, it is a dumb pen!

A pen is something my brain knows, understands, I can even touch it.  So, when the little voice inside my head was telling me to grab one I could hear it.  Without even thinking I could comprehend the idea of needing the pen.  I just chose to disregard grabbing one, not because I did not need one, because I truly thought there would be one available to me.

It is when the little voice inside your head is trying to tell you something more obscure, it becomes harder to hear.  Your other thoughts muffle it because the brain does not understand why it should do that, everything else seems more important, and more likely it is afraid... afraid of the unknown.

It is those thoughts, however, that will have an affect on your life... maybe even affect the life of someone else.  It is those thoughts that we are often afraid of that are the answers to questions we have been asking.  It is those thoughts that are so important that you really have to listen for them.  If you are not listening you will not hear anything, and the less you hear the less the little voice inside your head will try to tell you.

Take some time and listen!

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Nobody...

It took me a long time to realize that I was hiding myself from the world.
What people thought of me was a major concern of mine.  What I thought was cool and what the little voice inside my head was telling me... I kept to myself.  I did not do anything that someone could have a negative opinion about, if I could avoid it.

I became the person I thought I was supposed to be, and did what I thought I was supposed to do instead of listening to the little voice inside my head and being myself.

I was NOBODY!

That may seem harsh, but the definition fits.  Nobody, noun: "a person of no importance."  There is no way you can be important or have any sort of power while pretending to be anyone other than yourself.  You quite possibly could have more people like you, but have no one really respect you or look up to you.

I want to inspire people and the only way I can truly do that is being myself.

So, World... This is me, unedited and uncaring ME!

You can Love it or Hate it, but at least you feel something!  I am not nobody anymore... I am ME!!!

You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat, you are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.   --Jen Cincero

It is time for all of us to stop hiding and seriously listen to what the little voice inside our heads are trying to tell us.  Believe me, I know how hard this can be.  It is a surprisingly scary thing to let your inner self out and share that with the world.  Once you do, the possibilities are only limited to what you think and believe are possible.

You are awesome and it is only you that can allow the world to realize that fact too!

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The Little Devil on Your Shoulder

Where there is good... there is always bad!  Where there is inspiration from the little angel on your shoulder you will find deceit from the little devil on the other shoulder.

You cannot have one without the other.

It is the angel that will guide you to reach your full potential, while the devil wants you to stay fearful and in your comfort zone.  It is not always easy to differentiate the two, because it is not easy to get out of your comfort zone!  It easy to mistake what is easy to be what is right.  It takes time and study to really understand which voice is what.  Quite honestly you will make mistakes, but it is how you learn from those mistakes that will really get you to the real inspirations.  To the stuff you are not currently ready to hear, or cannot hear because you are not listening.

In the beginning, when I was learning for myself which shoulder had the angel and which had the devil on it, I though I was fighting against myself.  That I was the one holding myself back, and quite often I thought I was making choices between two good things.  Even though it is myself standing in my own way, it is the little devil that is deceiving me to think that being "comfortable" was a good thing.  That it was good for me to stay where I was in life, nothing needed to change... I did not need to change.

You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both.
- Brené Brown

I have been comfortable for far too long.

How dare I let the devil continue to manipulate my own thoughts against me, and to keep me from my full potential.  It is time to be courageous and allow God to use me as an instrument for inspiring others.  My hope is that I may have inspired you to find your courage and ignore the little devil on your shoulder. 

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Tuning Out...

I am afraid...

It is that fear that has me tuning out the little voice inside my head, left me with writers block, and made me doubt my awesomeness.  I have decided to let go of all my fear and to really own who I am.

For years I have let the fear of what people think of me dictate how I acted.  I basically hide myself of everyone.  This has left me a little confused in who I really am.  It is going to take a lot of time and a little bit of experimenting to rediscover myself and tune back in to the little voice inside my head.

I am going to be 100% me 100% of the time.  Who I am is awesome and it is time to stop hiding.

P.S.  Forgive me for this short post...  It is going to take a little bit more to break through my writers block.

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Are You My Conscience?

So... what is that little voice inside your head?

Let me answer that question, with another question...
What do you believe the little voice inside your head to be?

Is it your conscience?  That part of you that knows what is right and wrong.  Sending you warning for the choices you are about to make or validating the decisions you have made.  Is it your subconscious?  That part of you that you are not fully aware of and sends you messages through your dreams.  Is it your guardian angle?  Watching over you and giving your guidance, protection, and comfort.  Or do you believe in the awesome that is the universe and the signs it gives you?  Or is it the fates directing you toward your destiny?  I believe that this little voice is the spirit of god helping us through our journey on the earth.

Honestly, it does not matter what you believe the little voice to be. What matters is that you trust and listen to it, because it knows everything.. at the least it knows more than you.  Be open and accepting of what it has to say.  You may be surprised what it tells you... it could be something as simple as picking up a pen (we will get to the pen later).  The more you listen, the more you will hear.  The more you hear, the more understanding you will have.  With understanding comes wisdom!

Just remember you are not on your own on this adventure we call life.

P.S. Talking about the Conscience always reminds me of this clip from Finding Nemo... Enjoy!

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The Voice Inside My Head

I have been putting off starting this blog for about a year now.  Maybe it has something to do with sharing my thoughts and no one caring.  Honestly, I think it has to do more with my struggle in finding my voice.  My original blog was about anything and everything.  It was all over the place!

I did not have a voice.

I was only blogging because I want to be a writer, so I thought I had to.  This blog is going to more focused.  I have found my voice and I want to share it with others.

Someone needs to hear what I have to say!

I doubted that idea of that for a really long time.  I believe it in now, because... for the last year I have be working on my personal development and have learned more than I thought possible.  A major lesson was that I have become comfortable in my life, too comfortable.  Being comfortable is not a bad thing, however, I had stopped working toward my goals.  It was easier not to.  I was no longer willing to be uncomfortable to obtain what I wanted.

I even started ignoring inspiration.

The kind of inspiration where that little voice inside your head gives you guidance or suggests something to you that seems insignificant, but really can have a large impact.  We have all heard it at some point in our lives, and we have all ignored it one or twice

(okay-okay we all ignore it a lot).

The little voice inside my head has always been a huge part of my life and I have lost it.  I have become too afraid to act upon the promptings and the voice is becoming harder and harder to hear because I have ignored it for so long.

This blog will be the chronicles of my journey to not only listening to the little voice inside my head, but taking the necessary action.  It is my hope that sharing this adventure with you, will prove helpful to your personal life.  That you too will understand, the little voice inside your head is smarter than you and will teach you more than anyone else, and that taking action from inspiration will take you farther in life that you can take yourself.

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